Going into my Shadow
There is a gate swinging in the wind on it’s hinges in front of me. It leads to a wild, scary, dark, dangerous, landscape. It is ravaged by cutting winds, and icy rain. It harbours all sorts of creatures. Monsters and demons. I look down and my feet, and imagine that they are hairy as, and that I am Frodo Baggins standing on the edge of Mordor. I feel what he must have felt. That there is no choice but to face whatever comes in the darkness. To get to Mount Doom, and cast the ring in, to free the land from the power of darkness.
That place is not in the physical world. It is inside me. It is the dark place where everything I have suppressed over the last 24 years has gone. Particularly anger. Those who know me, will know I don’t get angry. I don’t identify with anger. I have never seen how anger could be a positive thing. I thought I didn’t have any anger. By thinking that, I effectively didn’t, because whenever it came up, I would shut it down. Push it away. Deny it. I have since learned that to deny any part of yourself is to deny all of yourself. It’s like cutting off your own foot that has been infected with gangrene, only to have the hand you use to amputate fall off too.
Anger is not the only thing in there. There is a lot of pain. But there is also a fire that I have had tiny glimpses of, since coming to the realisation that I am at this point now. A power that I have not felt before. A deep resolve. A ‘don’t fuck with me’ energy. As Sam Keene puts it, a Fire in the Belly. I never really understood what he was talking about in his book, ‘Fire in the Belly’ until now. He talked of the shadow. The place you must go before breaking out. I asked myself, ‘What is my shadow?’, ‘Do I have a shadow?’, ‘How do I find it?’. I was in a place of denial to an extent. But moreover, a place of unawareness. As I have said before (I think I’ve said it here), the first step in dealing with anything is awareness. Keene also talks about coming out the other side. The tunnel has to be entered before you can get to the light at the end of it. I wasn’t sure I had that tunnel, and sure as hell didn’t know where the entrance was. I know now though, because I’m standing in front of it.
I guess this has been the point that I have been journeying to over the last year. To first of all discover that I have a dark side. I would like to point out that Gary is not my shadow. I see Gary as more of my saboteur. The type of behaviour I go into when I lose motivation and direction. My shadow is different. I don’t want to be Gary, but it’s something I have been aware of and acknowledged. My shadow is different. I had no idea it was there. It is black, I have no idea what is in there, and it’s scary as hell.
I don’t know what the path looks like. Hell, I don’t even know if there is a path. I don’t even know what the end point is. I don’t know what the light at the end of the tunnel will be like. I have no idea about all of this stuff. I only know that I am now aware of what it is that has been holding me back. Holding me down and constraining me. I realise now that it has been like a straight jacket, with a ball and chain attached. I’ve been wriggling and squirming inside it for a long, long time, and havn’t even realised that I was wearing one. I think a lot of other people have seen me in it. They have seen what I can be once I reach the light at the end of the tunnel, and they have seen that I’m all tied up by something. They can’t articulate either way. What I can be, and what it is that is tying me up. They only know for themselves that it is there. Finally, I know too. And I’m diving in. I’m shaking my head as I write this, for I know it’s going to be such a wild ride.
For those of you concerned about me and this journey I am leaping into, thank you. I appreciate your worry. I want you to know that I have a huge community already committed to supporting me. I have my own coach. I have a collection of at least half a dozen additional life coaches who have offered me support. I have at least 10 strong, courageous men to help me get into the black safely. I have amazing women ready to nuture me when I go back into the pain of whatever the suppressed wounds are. Those same brave women will challenge me to step in to when I am afraid. I have friends and allies to journey with me. And I am so unbelievably grateful to each and every person who has said that they will be there for me. It touches my heart and my soul.
